"You should have your own show!"

You can't imagine the number of times people have remarked that our family should have its own TV show.

I guess they are referring to the popularity of numerous Big Family shows that pepper the TV Guide selections.... cute kids with matching outfits, nice parents, and perks in Disney World. A show about our family? I couldn't think of a WORSE idea.

For selfish reasons, I couldn't have a camera crew in here. They would be capturing hard evidence that I have a low tolerance for shoes littered at the door and garbage tossed lazily behind the couch, and even worse, that my children would actually do that! Producers would also expose to the world that my children learn to write their names on the dust that clings to the TV screen. There is no June Cleaver in pearls here... just a poorly dressed mom who is sorely lacking many answers to life's child rearing questions.

Of course there would be other characters on the show. But, tell me what could be so interesting about an Abe Lincoln sized man, the father of nine, who makes a living as the principal at a school with 360 children (all of whom are aged 6 and under). Hey! Maybe a few people would watch if it were shown during cold and flu season. It could be entitled "The Germinator", and sponsored by Clorox wipes and Kleenex. Now THAT'S reality TV. Still, would you really want to watch that?

My kids are performers though; just imagine what they would do with a Nielsen rated audience. They already love to entertain each other with their silly skits, funny jokes, amazing card tricks and karaoke. Our oldest could astound you with his abdominal muscles contorted to look like a skull. The 11 year old can do the splits AGAINST THE WALL. The 3 year old speaks Spanish, sort of. (At least that's what we think he speaks when he yells at the TV: "Dora, ciudado!" Really, her father is just not in that many episodes for a "See you Dad!" translation.) I wonder if shooting squirrels out of trees is considered entertainment?

We do have some cultured skills: The 13 year old can bring you to tears with her rendition of Les Miserables' "On My Own" or Phantom's "Think of Me". Her sister's just as good with contemporary Christian music. And the 8 year old can program the Casio for Bach's Minuet and can even follow along the lit keys. We also have a clarinet player, guitar strummer, and a couple trumpet tooters, but only one person ever practices. Every single family member dances, sometimes while not even waiting in line for the bathroom.

No, I'm convinced we should avoid more publicity. To the next person who says "You should have your own show," please don't take offense when I laugh out loud. Truly, I think we are on display enough (like, every Sunday when we're walking in late to Mass), and I already have enough Reality without having to do a show about it too.

I will, however, contemplate signing on for a cleverly scripted TV series about clean and well behaved children, and a mom who has dinner on the table every evening at 5, as dad waltzes through the front door and plops his briefcase on the dust-free coffee table.

Oh, never mind.
June already did that.